If I Can't Have You
by Dzuljeta
Summary: The Doctor refuses to take up another long-term companion after having lost Rose. The loss takes its toll on him in the hardest way possible. He knows taking aspirin or going somewhere without a chance of survival were quite the possibilities to end his life... But he decides to at least save one more person before doing that. The one person in peril happens to be... Rose Tyler.
1. Picking up the pieces on my own

_A/N: Warning: Possibly OOC. But the thing is... I feel Ten is actually much darker than the series show us. If Donna hadn't stopped him, who knows? Rose is actually much stronger than the series show us. Wihat do we have here? A broken Time Lord… and a companion struggling to survive in the life now forced upon her. More or less, a brutally separated couple._

 _The rating speaks for itself. But it will soon change into something less… traumatising. For now, read and please be understanding._

* * *

 **Disclaimer: BBC owns everything Doctor Who. Kylie (or/and whoever wrote it) owns the song the story title comes from. v**

* * *

 **If I Can't Have You**

 **1\. Picking up the pieces on my own**

Donna Noble was as much as The Doctor could take. After the woman has left, not without some badly disguised worry about what would happen to the Time Lord now that he was on his own again, he was sure of one thing. No other companion would ever take Rose's place. Not in his hearts. Not ever.

Surely, trouble was never far behind. Surely, Martha Jones has happened to be of great help on that unpleasant adventure on the moon. But no matter what, that was one adventure. One adventure only. The Doctor has never as much as thought about inviting her on board.

Instead, he kept trying to reach _her_. Trying and failing. Hours turned to days, days turned to months… His loneliness and despair were eating the Time Lord from inside. The TARDIS tried to help, to soothe her pilot somehow… But it was as if he were completely hollow. No more checking her circuits, no more fixing occasional errors in her systems… No more talking to her, no more caressing the coral walls. Nothing. The ship tried singing to him, tried sending him to pleasure planets… Tried to send him to several adventurous places… But when he has intentionally tried to end his life, that much was suddenly out of the question.

* * *

A Time Lord, the last one... This was supposed to bear some – even if unseen, even if barely felt - responsibility in it. However, the fact the Doctor was indeed the last of an extinct race has left him with a fairly reasonable excuse. If he left, for good, for real… he has had literally no-one above him to account to. Rose Tyler was the only person worthy of it. What of it now? She was gone. Sealed away in a different galaxy. Together with her _forever_. The Doctor did nothing to stop his tears from falling. It was getting harder every day.

Even though the stories about the Time Lord capabilities to survive almost anything spoke otherwise, at least according to the archives now gone forever in the planet whose destruction still haunted his dreams, these were not _entirely_ true. The abhorred, despicable idea of simply ending it all has invaded his broken mind almost as soon as his Rose was _gone_.

Right after Donna Noble, the amazing, sincere, fierce woman has said her goodbyes, the idea was pushed away from his mind. The tempting chance to simply _leave_ was always so very close. Practically at his fingertips. Knowing that, he allowed himself another adventure. The one with the exceptionally clever Martha Jones.

As soon as he was back into the TARDIS, it was back again. The wish. Unwillingly, he started constructing the possibilities. Of a suicide. Preposterous, he knew. Unacceptable. Forbidden. Wrong. Unforgivable. A sin worse than any other. But it was too late already.

The Doctor has been as much against going through immense pain as anyone. Aspirin seemed like an option, but so was jumping off a cliff, burning, drowning... If only there was one last chance to reach her. However small. If only… But it never arrived.

The Doctor was not completely uncomprehending. He understood he was being unreasonable. Understood he _had t_ o move on. But he did not, because whatever was the reason? His Rose was gone forever. No other person was even close. Not even Sarah Jane, who has somehow happened to understand _everything_. Even she would eventually suggest him to see a psychologist, who would then possibly suggest a visit to a psychiatrist. What then? Antidepressants?

Not in a million years.

* * *

He has called Sarah Jane Smith eventually, anyway. Because he has had no choice. The TARDIS has dialled her number for him.

"Doctor! How are things?" Sarah Jane was immediately worried. It was unusual for the Doctor to ever call her.

"I lost her."

She knew whom he was talking about at once. Understood things were bad indeed.

"Can I help?"

"She is gone. I loved her. And now she's gone."

This was worse than expected. The Doctor sounded utterly broken. It must have meant a lot for him to even call her, much less to share his woes with her.

"Should I come visit?" _Because it feels you need it._

"If you want."

She did.

"Where are you?"

"London."

With his barked out, clipped answers, Sarah Jane decided to consult her computer instead.

"Great. I'll be here with you soon, Doctor."

* * *

The waiting was almost nonexistent.

"Doctor."

He turned to his previous companion, a sad smile on his lips. "You're here."

Sarah Jane almost backed away at the look on his face, one hollow and distrusting. "Doctor. How… how are you?" He was desperately in need of a shave, for one thing.

"Isn't it obvious, Sarah? My life is over."

"Don't say that!"

"I am saying that, because it is."

"You need to find yourself a distraction, that's all. A new companion, for a start!" She suggested good-naturedly.

"No. I only need Rose, and she is- she is-"

"Maybe you should try? Meeting someone else? Maybe he or she would be worthy of Rose?" Sarah Jane knew immediately that has been a very wrong thing to say.

"Not you, too, Sarah Jane. I don't care what anyone says. It's Rose I need. Rose I can't get."

She remembered. "Canary Wharf?"

He nodded.

"I am sorry, Doctor," the woman hugged him tightly. "But Rose must be somewhere above, looking at you and smiling. Encouraging you to move on."

He freed himself from her immediately. Nobody understood.

"She's _not_ dead. Rose is lost in a parallel dimension," he sighed heavily. Apparently, _that_ was even worse.

"So you _can_ find her," Sarah Jane smiled at him. " _Will_ find her eventually!" She did not risk mentioning him finding someone to travel with again.

He sighed. Nobody deserved to see him like this. "Anyway. Thank you for coming, Sarah Jane." _Maybe for the last time._

She peered at him. "Don't you dare, Doctor. And look at the mirror! What would _Rose_ say?"

He smiled at Sarah Jane almost honestly. "You are the best," he said, leading her out. Surely, a shave was in order. It couldn't hurt.

* * *

In the meantime, Rose Tyler was working her way in the so-called Pete's World. She knew it was necessary for her to get involved in _something_.

Learning French was something her mother has insisted upon. It seemed quite exciting… up until something as basic as _allons-y_ happened in one of the expression-learning classes. She did not get up from her bed for weeks afterwards, crying.

Mrs Tyler herself has gone to explaining the complicated _can't-tolerate-this-expression_ to the French teacher. The man has only shrugged, suggesting the girl tried taking private lessons instead.

When it has been revealed Peter Tyler and his wife Jacqueline had a grown-up daughter, only few were surprised. Nobody was surprised when Rose Tyler was proclaimed an heiress to the Vitex company. Rich people and their dynasties…

The girl tried everything. Even tried working for parallel Torchwood, even if the very title was making her sick. Nothing helped, not really.

"Maybe you should find a boyfriend, Rose?" Jackie kept suggesting every other day.

"No," was always her definite answer.

"Leave her alone, Jackie. She still has her boyfriend waiting for her back there." Rose was ready to hug Pete for these words alone. But this man was also responsible for causing disarray in her everyday life somewhat. He kept making her feel as if she did not fulfil someone's expectations.

Mum was not done yet. "I have been thinking, though, what if he has moved on?"

Rose stopped a sigh from escaping her lips. If he knew what was better for him, he would. But there was this thing… She somehow knew the Doctor was not ready to let go of the past. Chose not to. As if he were waiting for her to find him.

In need for some fresh air, the girl excused herself.

"Don't go anywhere near that cliff," her not-quite-Dad warned. "I don't care if the sight from there is mesmerising! Jackie has nearly got a heart-attack after being told you went there!"

"Yes, Pete. Duly noted."

Obviously, she turned straight to that place. If Rose imagined very, very hard… It almost reminded her of that one place in Scotland from many, many years before she visited with the Doctor. The misty weather was _very_ fitting.

* * *

Meanwhile, the Doctor has come up with a decision, asking the TARDIS for one final favour. The ship knew what he needed. Knew that favour was possibly the final one not only for him… but for the old girl as well. With him not checking her systems constantly, this was only to be expected.

Choosing a young fair-haired human girl to save seemed like a decent addition to his incurable loss and torment. Donna suggested he found someone. But there has been no other reason for him to keep going. Maybe saving _someone_ would at least justify his resolve to stop fighting what went against every rule of the universe. Any universe.

When the TARDIS landed, throwing him around the console room as if he were nothing but a toy, the Doctor realised this was it. "Wish me luck," he exhaled and left, unable to take the old girl's unhidden sorrow any more.

He did not think the place would be anywhere as plain as that. So ordinary… so… familiar. So… London. He never even looked up, suddenly in a hurry. Now, wherever was the girl that needed saving? The Doctor allowed his feet carry him up that hill. A blonde girl was standing right at the top. Two small steps to the side, and everything would be lost. The girl's life… and his last remaining purpose in _his_ life.

The Doctor approached her quietly. "Don't do this, girl. I'm sure there is some other solution! We can always talk about it, yeah?" She gasped... and turned around to see him.

* * *

 _A/N. I have always wanted to write something like this, always. No matter how frightening it is. Please, say something._


	2. I wish that I could save you

_A/N. Thank you immenselly. I love the opportunities writing this story presents me with. While 'ohmygodyourebackIloveyou' is and was always the one possibility I could never deny them… it would be too soon. Oh. I am lying. Slaps, confusion, disbelief, anger, flirting, doubts… all here. Angst? Er…_

* * *

 **Previously…**

 _The Doctor approached her quietly. "Don't do this, girl. I'm sure there is some other solution! We can always talk about it, yeah?" She gasped... and turned around to see him._

* * *

 **If I Can't Have You**

 **2\. I Wish That I Could Save You**

The voice… this voice, _the_ voice, _his_ voice…so sweet, so longed-for, so-

Rose believed being forced to stay in this harsh and unwelcoming world has taught her to be ready for anything. Apparently, it was not entirely true.

She saw him then. The Doctor. And would have fallen straight into the abyss in shock, had the Doctor not been there to hold her, the reflex purely instinctive. "Saving you from finishing your own life was my primary purpose," he spoke slowly, not believing his eyes. Fine, if his subconscious wanted to toy with him for the last time, why not? Why not make it beautiful?

Rose was just as incredulous as the Doctor… up until he began talking.

"Oh. My illusions keep improving. Pity. One can't even plan one's suicide properly. Sorry." _Oooh… apologising to an illusion…_ that was quite new. Not bad, though. He would have liked it to have appeared sooner, though…

The girl's eyes widened with dread. He could never- How could he even- "You fool!"

Everything, her eyes, her lips… Even the voice was spot-on. He admired the creative ways his mind could work. "Hm?"

Rose gasped, her lips trembling. This new universe has stopped, delayed, undone whatever changes her original world had been forcing upon her. Even telepathy was beyond her in this particular galaxy. But this, _this_ \- "Do you even realise what you're saying?!" She stared at him, her eyes wide and full of unshed tears.

Whatever had happened to him, however the Doctor has found himself there... Fate, she assumed - he was- "Don't you dare, Doctor. Don't you dare!"

The Doctor looked at her almost mockingly. "Funny. That's exactly what Sarah Jane said," he looked thoughtful. "Anyway," he shook his head, shaking the memory away. "Do you need to talk about it? I have promised myself to talk you out of this silly step of yours, so-"

The Doctor seemed overtaken with some spell. Rose believed it had something to do with seeing her- but first, she needed to get him off this hill.

"Let's go, Doctor." She led him out of the unexpected danger hastily.

"Your persistence is admirable, dear," he muttered. "It's been a while since I had one quite so realistic. Gorgeous, too. Oh, look at me, talking to a non-existent entity like that. But what wouldn't I do to keep my Rose with me forever, yeah? Just as she promised," his voice fell.

Rose stared at him, honestly terrified. He was the Doctor! Her Doctor! He would never go as low as to- "What's _wrong_ with you?! Tears of frustration were about to begin flowing down her cheeks any second now. Even her ability to keep her tears at bay seemed to have been gone within this stupid, _stupid_ universe….

"Do you know where you are? Doctor?" Rose tried to be as reasonable as she could.

The Doctor seemed lost all of a sudden. Nothing was going the way it was supposed to. "Oh, I was just about to save... Er... Someone?"

"Do you know where you are?" She repeated, persistent.

"Someplace that looks uncommonly like London, but-" It was not London. It smelled differently. Tasted differently, too, he supposed. Still, this meant nothing. She waited.

* * *

The Time Lord came up with an idea. "Why does this interest you, illusion-Rose? If you're trying to change my plans-"

In her home universe, Rose had been stronger. More capable. Able to sense things. Feelings. Here, though, it felt as if a part of her was broken off. All the things the Doctor had taught her, they were more or less rendered useless in Pete's World. It seemed there was no way to make the alien see reason.

Unless…

There was a thing which worked equally well on both universes. If she had to do it, even on the person that abhorred the shockingly basic way of being brought back into awareness, Rose was ready to.

"Sorry," Rose muttered, giving him a slap of his life.

"Owww. This has been-" _Something only a Tyler was capable of._

"Sufficient, or would you like another?" She exhaled, suddenly unsure if that has been the best step she could have taken.

He was stunned. "It hurts! Wait, what on Earth was that for? I've been trying to _save_ you!"

Rose looked at him meaningfully, her patience running short. "My touch has felt quite tangible for an illusion, wouldn't you say, Doctor?"

"Well… My imagination is good enough to make it _feel_ realistic enough," the Time Lord sighed. "In fact, I would rather have you undressing for me right now, darling. Why aren't you?" This Rose was a fruit of _his_ imagination. She was supposed to answer his every wish!

Rose shook her fair head, frustrated. "I feel you deserve another smack, Doctor."

He kept blinking, confused. She inhaled, bit her lip and slapped the Time Lord again. "This one is for choosing to stay in a fog so persistently, Doctor."

"But this is impossible."

"You know what, Doctor? Screw the impossible," a very familiar, tongue-between-teeth grin enlightened Rose's features.

He gaped and stared at her, startled. Rose knew this was the one expression the Doctor loathed wholeheartedly. The one she kept using whenever the Doctor was saying something was undoable. "Don't… don't say that."

"No?" She was trying to elicit some kind of reaction from him.

The Doctor shook his head. "This is- must be- who are you? Some sort of a shape-shifter?"

"If you are expecting something more from me to convince you, Doctor, I give up." Rose could see some sparkles of recognition on the Time Lord's face… but it all depended entirely on him now.

The unhidden expectation on the girl's face was as good a proof as any. His eyes widened at the realisation. "Oh- Rose. My Rose… I am _so_ sorry."

"No need for that now, Doctor. You have received a fair share of slaps from me… for the time being," Rose winked at him, her sincere excitement unmistakable.

"Is this really you? Rose-?"

"Mm." 'She grinned at him.

"Rose..." The Time Lord found it strange no communication beyond the ordinary earthly one seemed to be possible here. He sighed at what felt both wrong and strangely... _alien_.

"Doctor." She shrugged at him, implying the impossibilities he must have sensed just now.

"You could have _kissed_ me instead," he pouted.

Rose grimaced. "Don't think so, nope." He would have put it all onto his incomparably versatile Time Lord imagination otherwise.

As much as the young woman craved for travelling the stars with him again, she shook her head. "We need to have some serious talk first, Doctor!"

"Talk. Yes. Talk, I love talk. But-"

"No buts, Doctor." He prepared himself for what he knew he deserved.

"What on Earth were you thinking? Killing yourself? Why?!" Suddenly Rose felt as if this was her fault in a way.

"You were gone. Too far away. Beyond reach. I couldn't bear it." Rose grabbed his hands. _Silly Doctor._

"But I would have found a way to get back to you! Maybe not so soon, maybe in a decade or more, but I would have!"

"I know," he said simply. "But I would not have survived the wait, I'm afraid," he admitted.

Rose glared at him. "You know that would have only meant another regeneration?" She shook her head at his thoughtlessness. "I would be forced to find you among billions! During my limited lifespan… Incredible." The Doctor was surprised she did not say 'impossible'… But this was Rose. Of course she would not use the word. The fact he himself has taught Rose the ways of finding either him or the TARDIS in the case of some terrible accident seemed pointless in Pete's World. None of that was working here. "But some part of your connection with my ship, _something_ must still be in here?" He tapped his temple, meaning hers.

"Nothing is left. This universe, it has made my mind lock everything inside. It feels as if all is severed. Forgotten. Removed. Deleted. Destroyed… All but-" _Hope._

So that was where the dark feeling was coming from. Emptiness. Loneliness. Sadness. For a Time Lord, a connection with another mind, be it with the TARDIS or with one Rose Tyler, the dearest of them all - it was a necessity.

He shook his thoughts away, another one taking its place at once.

"Rose... You _were_ about to jump, am I right?" In all this gloom, the Doctor would not even have been surprised.

"No. I was just… remembering. That time when we had been in Scotland, not quite called like that then- do you remember? The mist, the cold, everything?"

"Yeah," he smiled at her softly. "But-" His unease was transparent. "We can't... Er. I might have got the TARDIS stuck here. We won't be able to leave for-"

The Doctor was looking for some particular reaction in her eyes. "I mean, Rose… if you still want? To travel with me?"

If there was one thing she wanted more than escaping this parallel universe, it was that. Travelling in the TARDIS, with the Doctor.

"I _need_ it," Rose smiled. "I need it like I need you. Like I need air. Like I need our home universe."

He grinned, pleased. "Will I be allowed to kiss you later, Rose Tyler?"

The girl could not say she was surprised. "Much, much later perhaps. In our home universe?"

He nodded, just a bit discontent. She was only being fair, of course. In order for something new to begin, something had to end.

"I need to see Mum," Rose said. "She needs to know," she explained.

"What about Pete?"

"Mum will tell him everything, anyway. Don't worry."

"Be quick," he sent his Rose a kiss.

* * *

Perhaps, just perhaps Rose's sharing of the incredible news went just a tiny bit wrong.

And only maybe Jackie's telling Peter Tyler about the Doctor's impossible arrival has been a terrible mistake.

Soon after having heard the incredible story Rose had so hurriedly shared with her mother, Pete tapped Jackie on the shoulder pityingly.

"It was only a matter of time, Jacks!"

Jackie glared at Pete. "A matter of time for what?!"

He did not say it out loud. This young woman, his could-have-been daughter, was losing her mind. All because of some alien.

Too bad Rose was too curious to hear the reactions to have gone far. "Mum. Pete. Would you mind not talking about me as if I were bonkers? It's the TARDIS we should be worrying about. She is stuck, yeah? And she absolutely shouldn't be." _We should be gone off this planet, from this universe…together and… forever._

The mother was eyeing her child with worry. "Rose-" She was ready to believe her.

" _Where_ is he?" Peter thought it best to simply stop her illusions there and then.

"Thought you'd say something like that, _Peter_ ," the Doctor appeared seemingly out of nowhere. "Jackie! I am borrowing your daughter for… er… for good. Is this okay? Thought so!"

"How are you going to-"Rose muttered, flustered. The TARDIS was not in the state to be flying them anywhere!

"Oh, how are _we_ going to? The power of a kiss, fairy-tales, remember?"

"Um…"

"Exactly!"

* * *

 _A/N. Ooo. What now? Reviews would be very much appreciated!  
_


	3. I wish that I knew how to save myself

_A/N. Don't tell me this is too traumatising. More like, too ordinary._

* * *

 **Previously...**

 _"Oh, how are_ _we_ _going to? The power of a kiss, fairy-tales, remember?"_

 _"Um…"_

 _"Exactly!"_

* * *

 **If I Can't Have You**

 **3\. I wish that I knew how to save myself**

The Doctor grinned at the stunned parents. "No time for a chat, sorry!" He grabbed Rose by the hand and the two hurried out of the room.

"What was that about, Jacks? Are you going to allow this? For him to take away your Rose?" Pete sounded honestly shocked.

"Yes. If this is the last thing I can do to assure my daughter's happiness, then absolutely. Besides, I really don't think you have any say in this."

The Doctor kept looking at Rose with sincere adoration, never forgetting that he would have been dead by now, had it not been for her.

"I am here. Really," her voice was serious. _With you. For you._ Rose cleared her throat. "Surely, you have had none of the _magical kiss_ in mind, I can see that in your eyes, Doctor."

"Well-"

Rose knew the Doctor all too well. "What is it? Can I help?"

"Rose. You are-" The Time Lord's mind seemed to have only registered the words she had said fully then. A wide grin appeared on his face. One the girl could not keep from responding to.

"Although, as I am sad to proclaim," he said, seeming neither truly flustered nor annoyed – "we are not leaving right away. We can't. The TARDIS needs healing and recharging. Only then, if she ever forgives me, we will leave."

Rose was much more upset about the prospect of being forced to stay in this universe another minute, let alone more than several days, but she kept that to herself. "When?" she asked.

The Doctor felt her unease. _So sorry, love._ Only then did he remember this universe did not allow telepathic communication. "Tomorrow, if a miracle happens."

The Londoner sighed heavily. He did not believe in his own words.

"In a week, if all goes well," he continued. "In about thirty-seven days, approximately, if all goes pear-shaped." He grinned. That did not seem so bad, considering.

"What was that about fairy-tales, though?" Rose plastered a smile on her face, even if one not fully sincere.

His answer was expected and logical. "I wanted to get you away from them. Wanted a reason to get you into the TARDIS."

"Can we? Get there now?" She asked hopefully.

"You are not going to like this," the Doctor warned her. "She is ill. And it's my fault."

Rose grabbed his hand encouragingly. "It can't be that bad," she assured, only half-believing it.

The journey to the ship was hurried, quiet and filled with incredible expectations. The Doctor was secretly hoping that the still time has somehow done the old girl some good. Rose was simply too afraid to see the state in which the clever vessel might have been.

* * *

Actually, the sight inside has exceeded their worst expectations. "I am so, so sorry, TARDIS. So sorry," the Doctor spoke, terrified. Only now, with his mind no longer filled with the unacceptable thoughts of ending his life did he realise the amount of pain his oldest friend must have been in.

Rose gasped, her hands reaching for the TARDIS coral walls instinctively. A wave of pain hit her then. She growled, barely able to remain on her feet.

"What is it, Rose?" He was afraid of her answer. After all, his ship and his- his Rose shared a connection beyond his conscious understanding. If one part of it was broken-

"It hurts. She hurts. The TARDIS is unable to-" Tears were flowing down Rose's face… as if she were experiencing the old girl's sorrow first-hand. "I can't-"

"I am so sorry," he muttered, meaning it. "If I only could-"

"You can," Rose muttered. "You know you can."

"I could. But never here. Not in this irresponsive, plain universe," the Doctor admitted sadly. His sudden inability to reach for any other mind has been slowly eating him from the inside.

"Do you have any information about increased suicide-rates, or anything of that sort? How do you people even manage?" He asked instead.

Rose rolled her eyes at him, bitter. "How do _I_ manage, you mean? Slowly, painfully… but I'm still here," she glared, refusing to simply forget the Doctor's misstep. "And no, I don't have such information."

"Rose." He breathed, taking her hands. "What are we going to do?"

The Doctor's exasperation was almost palpable.

She smiled at him sadly. "Survive."

"How?"

"Be a human, for once. Pretend you're a mechanic, one John Smith, for example?"

The Doctor shuddered. "Are you _joking_?" There was no way he would employ Chameleon Circuit in this, not that it were possible in either this situation in or this universe…

"Can you think of an alternative?"

He thought about it. It seemed Rose was serious. "A mechanic? Seriously?"

"I am willing to ruin my reputation for you. A Vitex heiress, having fallen for an ordinary bloke. Is this not enough for you, Doctor?"

He pouted.

"You will need those skills when fixing the old girl, remember?"

"I am not sure _a boyfriend_ is enough for me at his point."

Rose giggled at him, paying no mind to his dark mood. She has learnt the only way to avoid sinking in it herself was to laugh it all away. "Testing your luck, _John_?"

"Maybe," he shrugged. "Look, you could call me a traveller instead."

"A travelling mechanic, possibly," she grinned.

The Time Lord relented, eventually. "You have lived here longer, Rose. Surely, this leaves you the one familiar with all the things in Pete's World better than I am. But I still think-"

"The sooner the TARDIS is fixed, the sooner we can leave, yes?" The girl did not allow him to finish the sentence.

"Just don't make me face your family again," he muttered.

"What if we are forced to remain here for months, though?" Rose bit her lip, unhappy about the now very likely possibility. The ship, at least for the time being, seemed almost beyond repair.

The Doctor shook his head, determined. "If we are not out of this universe in more than a month-"

"Don't say that," Rose whispered. "Don't even think it."

"Why, love?"

"I don't even have that much time. This entire universe is _wrong_."

The Doctor stared at her, suddenly startled. Has this miracle been just that? A silly twist in a scientific variety of impossible things?

He wrapped his arms around her instead. "Of course this is a wrong universe, Rose," he muttered into her hair. "But you can't mean-"

"The TARDIS is suffering. It is only a matter of chance if she manages to survive this torment. Wrong environment, wrong atmosphere, wrong galaxy."

Rose said nothing more about her time in the universe.

"Go, take care of her," she smiled at the Time Lord softly, subconsciously still worried about his mental stability. "John."

The Doctor was nowhere as capable to ignore Rose's words. "I am going nowhere. I will stay with you forever, if necessary, but you are going to tell me what the problem is. Yes?"

Rose sighed, secretly almost happy about this no-need-to-pretend-any-more outcome. "Wrong universe," she repeated. "I have stayed here for too long. There is only so much this universe can allow."

The Doctor eyed her curiously. At least those closest to her seemed not unhappy about their lives. "What about Jackie? Pete?" He clarified.

"Mum has her dream-come-true life. Pete has his beloved wife. They are both happy and content in here."

"But you are not, Rose," he stated the obvious.

"I am not," she agreed. "We are all equally broken now. You, the TARDIS, and I. What does this leave us with?"

"Rose…" He breathed. "This makes it all much more-"

"Complicated, I know," she sighed. "Maybe, if I do nothing, you and the TARDIS would be able to work something out?"

The Doctor giggled. He meant to say _easier_. "She _hates_ me right now. Do you really think _anything_ might work out?" His bitterness was both annoying and saddening Rose. It was unlikely it was appropriate to begin fixing _anything_ at this stage.

Rose freed herself from the Doctor's embrace then, addressing the ship quietly. "I don't know if you can hear me now, TARDIS. Don't know of the extent of harm done to you. But please, _please_ be strong. This world is as harmful to you as it is to us. We must stay together," she pleaded. "Must deal with this together. You, the Doctor and I, against the world."

The Time Lord grabbed her by the hands, softly brushing off the tears now on her cheeks with his thumb.

It was then that the TARDIS came alive… with a cost.

* * *

The Doctor could only stare at the scene in front of him, disbelieving.

"What have you _done_ , TARDIS?" _To her, to my Rose?_

 _Why?_

* * *

 _A/N. Reviews are good. Reviews make me happy.  
_


	4. Now let's make it or break it

_A/N._ _ **Gally**_ _, as much as I would have liked to answer your question, there is no way for me to reply to guest reviews. Sorry. Thank you for your imput just the same. :)  
_

* * *

 **Previously…**

 _It was then that the TARDIS came alive… with a cost._

 _The Doctor could only stare at the scene in front of him, disbelieving._

" _What have you done, TARDIS?"_ To her, to my Rose?

Why?

* * *

 **If I Can't Have You**

 **Now let's make it or break it  
**

He held his breath, not even attempting to use some telepathic insult at his ship. That would not have worked, anyway.

A connection – some sort of bond, a bond of _light_ has materialised right in front of his eyes between the TARDIS and Rose. If anything, it looked like the ship was acquiring strength from Rose. _Charging?_

He knew at once what the light reminded him of. His greatest fears were but confirmed, when the girl was overtaken by the all-too-familiar golden light, the connection between her and the ship slowly disappearing. _Bad Wolf._

 _Please, do nothing to stop this. Doctor._ It seemed like every rule was non-existent from someone as unconquerable, as unbeatable, as powerful as Bad Wolf.

 _Heart of the TARDIS, remember?_

He grimaced. "Swear to me you won't hurt her."

The gorgeous entity… giggled. _The golden girl is already a part of me. Why would I?_

"Will Rose… will she remember this?"

 _You will see, my Doctor. For now, brace yourself_. "Catch her," she spoke without employing any more telepathy.

It was then that Rose was no longer protected by the ship… or by mysterious entities. The Doctor was there to catch her, just as he was told. He was too occupied with making the girl feel comfortable to notice the TARDIS began her flight. Flight back to _her_ universe.

Only when the flight became uncommonly messy did he understand what was happening. Suddenly, he understood what was meant by her suggestion.

"If she kills you, I am not the one to blame, TARDIS."

"If you _have_ killed her, _I_ will be the one to blame for your demise. Gladly."

* * *

Rose gasped for air then. _Doctor_ , she went straight for the communication impossible in Pete's World. _Am I not dreaming?_

 _Rose. We are back,_ he grinned at her fondly.

She exhaled. "I am glad it worked," she sighed in relief.

"You remember?"

"Yeah. It has been my idea all along, okay?"

The Doctor stared at her, honestly flabbergasted. _You could have died_ _!_

Rose shook it away. You _could have died. On intention. Your arguments don't count._

He grinned at her, ashamed. "Will you ever stop reminding me this?"

"You should ask yourself if Sarah Jane is ever going to," she rolled her eyes at him. "Because you did call her, didn't you?"

"Er-"

She smirked, ready to wait some more. Ready to wait for until the Doctor realised. There was no way she was going to tell him, the Bad Wolf moment working its charm nicely. Well… Rose did not think it would take so much strength out of her. But the old girl has healed… and she was healing, the sudden rate of the healing process almost incredible.

Rose has almost forgotten the feeling. It was only days before she was lost in that goddamn alternative reality that she understood. But time was unscrupulous, circumstances unfair… and he never got to know.

She wondered if Sarah Jane knew. Possibly. It only took her seconds to realise the unsaid. But she must have thought the Doctor was aware of it as well.

The Time Lord remembered his last phone conversation then. If it had something to do with their thoughts coinciding, he had no way of knowing. "I- I really need to contact her. To assure her I am still alive, yes?"

"Absolutely," she agreed. "Would you mind very much if I took a shower? Changed my clothes?"

He understood. "Not at all, Rose. But keep in mind I might do something unacceptable, if you take too long!"

She wondered what he meant, but only for a moment. "I'll try my best," she winked at him. _Lover_.

The Doctor grinned at her excitement. _Go, Rose._

The moment she exited the console room, he wasted no time.

* * *

"Hi, Sarah Jane!" His excitement put a grin on the woman's face, but she was afraid to address some painful topics.

"Hey, Doctor," she said instead.

"She's back!" He shouted.

"I'm glad."

If he were surprised about Sarah's reaction, he let it slide. "So, now that you know… That's about all, yeah?"

"Are you sure you don't want to share something else with me, Doctor? Something about Rose?" It was beyond her how could keep Rose's new nature from her for so long.

"Well… she still thinks I am incredibly stupid to have almost- Anyway. She has saved me."

Sarah Jane shook her head, incredulous. It sounded as if he didn't know. "That's exactly what one would expect from her."

"Yes. Anyway, I'd better be going," he said.

"Just remember to keep your Time Lady close, Time Lord," she warned, almost jokingly, and ended the conversation.

* * *

The Doctor simply stood there, still. Instead of breaking into her en-suite – the water was still running, after all – he scribbled her a note and stuck it under the door.

Rose was fighting the wish to turn off the water and simply go see whatever the note said. As she was feeling clean and belonging to her home universe already, the girl smiled softly at the sensation and went to put on the garments provided to her by the good old TARDIS. She even remembered her most recent preferences! Something elegant, yet comfortable.

What she got were close-fitting jeans… and a white shirt with a neckline that went _beyond_ plunging. She regretted her choice of words immediately then. _Why this? Why now?_ The TARDIS let out a sound of amusement. Fine. There were more important things at hand. She took the note, almost afraid.

 _Since when?_ Were the words.

The Doctor was waiting for her to leave her room with unusual patience. But all of his planned speech was forgotten the moment Rose came out, unease shining on her face. _I am sorry._

He realised he didn't care. No matter the things she never said, no matter the things that might have ended differently, had he known. _Don't be._ He touched her hearts timidly, almost afraid.

Then, a sincere grin appeared on his face. _I love you_.

Rose backed away. "Are you sure?"

Her reaction surprised him greatly. "Yes."

"Are you aware that these exact words, they have almost- believing in them, wholeheartedly, has made me to almost-"

"That you have been one of many determined to actually end your life because someone didn't love you? However long ago that has been? However you try to deny it? I know."

She gaped at him.

"It shows. It always shows."

"Was this the reason you began travelling with me?" Rose was afraid of his answer.

He shook his head. "You were the light of my life. I have faced way too many demons to voluntarily invite a person as broken as I was to travel with me."

A person who has clung to the nearest kind bloke to accept him for a boyfriend. However plain and stupid Mickey has been at that point. A person who needed to get away from her life just so it did not end up crushing her.

 _This is exactly why you chose me._ There were too many girls that were happier. More cheerful. More relaxed. One Shareen Costello, for example.

"I chose you because you were everything these girl's weren't," he muttered. "Brave, willing, adventurous…" Hurt. Broken. Mysterious. Looking for something beyond reach. Determined to reach it, whatever it took.

She smiled at him instead, finally leading him away from the too unfitting… too plain… too ordinary room.

* * *

 _A/N. Review, if you feel like it.  
_


	5. If I could say one thing

_A/N. EURO 2016 is over. My beloved, adored France have lost. :'( I have wept so hard it took me half a day to completely get rid of the consequent headache today.  
_

* * *

 _ **Previously...**_

 _This is exactly why you chose me_ _._ _There were too many girls that were happier. More cheerful. More relaxed. One Shareen Costello, for example._

" _I chose you because you were everything these girls weren't," he admitted. "Brave, willing, adventurous…" Hurt. Broken. Mysterious. Looking for something beyond reach. Determined to reach it, whatever it took._

 _She smiled at him instead, finally leading him away from the too unfitting… too plain… too ordinary room._

* * *

 **If I Can't Have You**

 **5\. If I could say one thing that hasn't been told**

"I am happy you chose me."

"Yes?" The Doctor was fishing for more proof that, no matter the foolish step he had nearly taken, Rose has forgiven him.

She nodded.

He gave her his trademark grin. "Care to elaborate, Rose?" _Please? I need to hear you say it._

"I don't think I have any right to blame you," Rose spoke emotionlessly. "As it's my fault, more or less."

 _What?_ Whatever was she on about?

"I should have worked harder. Should have found a way to get to you sooner. Safety be damned."

 _What?_ Was she being serious? The only way to know for sure was-

"Rose! You sound as if you knew there was a way?"

She giggled at him bitterly. "I kept reading. Experimenting. Trying. Sometimes nearly tearing the goddamned facility apart trying to get what I thought necessary for fulfilling my _quest_. There is _always_ a way, as I keep telling you."

The Doctor could barely believe his ears, grabbing her hands. "By _quest_ , you mean-"

 _Yes. Getting back to you, my silly Time Lord._

"You do know it is unlikely for you to see Jackie again?" The Doctor could not help himself, only realising he has very successfully ruined the mood when it was too late.

"You know it is very likely for you to be slapped for this alone, Doctor?" As happy as Rose has been about the joyful reunion, losing her Mum for good was no small thing.

"Yeah. Sorry."

Rose shook her head at him, unwilling to address it. Mum has had Pete now to try and construct her dream life. It was only for the better.

The Doctor felt he needed to ease the tension between them somehow. "Just the two of us, eh, Rose?"

He was half-expecting for the TARDIS to object… but her quiet hum did not change in any way. The ship must have felt guilty for using Rose in the way she did.

 _It's okay. I am okay._ Rose addressed the vessel carefully. _Just don't do this again, please._

The Doctor was on alert at once. _Does_ okay _mean you are fine, but not fully?_ He was ready to do anything for his fair girl at this point. Maybe he was not the only one who had needed saving?

"I'm fine. Just a lingering side-effect. It's not often you perform the function of a battery," Rose shrugged. There was not a trace of a smile on her face.

The Doctor realised he understood the _recharging_ concept perfectly well. There had been instances like these in his long, long life when using his own life-power was what it took to get the TARDIS working again. _I will make sure you won't need to do that ever again, my Rose!_

She backed away suddenly, breathing in.

 _Your voice. I love it. Talk to me. Talk to me of everything and nothing, just make sure your thoughts reach me, Doctor._ Telepathy was doing wonders to her mind, Rose understood. Healing the bruises she was not aware she had, even those left by the one called Jimmy, so long ago.

 _Your wish is my command, Rose Tyler._ The Doctor loved the sparkle in her eyes, suddenly bearing an entirely different meaning. And so, he spoke, reaching for her open mind. Of his experiences. Of his fears. Of his home planet, no matter the sorrowful undertone his words have had. Rose did nothing to either encourage or discourage him. Whatever he spoke about, it was to her. _For_ her.

* * *

The day became evening, the evening became night… But the telepathic communication never bore the danger of getting anyone a sore throat.

"Are you not tired, Doctor?" Rose remembered, blooming at the pure delight of his voice in her head. "You might want-"

"No." He saw the positive effect his words were having on her – if anything, she looked healthier than ever. Happier than ever. "Maybe you are willing to know something in particular?" _Or maybe you want to share something with me?_

Rose knew what she wanted to hear from him… but it must have been obvious to the Doctor she loved him. He loved her too, she knew. No, there was nothing. _I have nothing of interest to tell you._

He eyed her with amusement and expectation. Telepathy, once mastered, required no additional effort more difficult than, say, breathing…

 _I can always try_ ,Rose answered his unuttered plea nonetheless. _Which part of my life interests you the most?_

The Doctor knew what it was he wanted from Rose. He wanted the impossible. Wanted- _I want to know everything you feel like sharing with me. The good, the bad, the successes, the failures…_

 _I am yours, Doctor. Always. No matter what you might have done, I am yours, forever._ She answered the question he did not manage to put into words. All the while, she did not smile at him. Not fondly enough, not sincerely enough… Not at all. He tried his best to ignore her lack of smiling… and understood this did him no good.

The Doctor gasped, catching up with Rose's words only then. _No matter-_

 _You are still here. Gallifrey is no longer, but_ you _are here._

"What-" He had spoken of it, red grass, silver leaves, unmasked fondness… but could distinctly remember he has never named it to Rose.

"Your home planet. It's- was called Gallifrey, or am I mistaken?"

"N-no. You are right, Rose." He could not find suitable words to express his surprise. "UNIT?"

Torchwood can't have got hold of something so secret, so beyond belief… Which was why Torchwood was out of the question. UNIT, then. But how would Rose get access, how could she even enter those secret archives hardly anyone knew existed any more? Besides, parallel universe can't have got-

 _The Doctor is quite a legend in UNIT, let me tell you_. _In all universes._

He grinned, pleased. "Parallel UNIT, seriously?"

 _I don't know about you. Have presented myself as a Time Lady. They can be quite open about these things. Asked for help. Got none. End of story._

"What then?" The Doctor could not fight away his curiosity. Maybe it was time Rose told him her story? The real one?

She shrugged at him. "Got access to whatever I needed pretty easily," Rose bit her lip, clearly unwilling to elaborate further. "Made them forget I exist afterwards."

 _You can do that?_ Rose kept surprising him more and more every second.

"No, silly! I can't do that. Nobody can. Might have convinced them it was all a dream, nothing but a shared illusion, that's all. Might have convinced Jack- _the_ Jack, our friend Jack - to get them all sloshed. Not that much work, really."

It was something supposed to amuse her… but the young Time Lady did not smile, not once.

The tone of her voice sounded almost tired all of a sudden. Their conversation was going anywhere but where Rose has hoped it would. There have been a lot of things they needed to deal with… Better sooner than later.

The Doctor decided to address one of the topics he abhorred to touch upon, unless absolutely necessary. "How is Jack Harkness doing?"

"Call him and ask," Rose ignored his hopeless effort to get her into some light conversation. "I'm sure you can catch him on mobile at all times."

The Doctor shook his head at her. "Will my having a chat with him brighten up your mood?" He cut straight to the point.

She gasped.

 _Look at me, Rose._ What _is bothering you?_

The Doctor could not understand it. Everything was great! They were back in their original universe, telepathic communication between them now both possible and encouraged, with the TARDIS alive and well…

As usual, it took Rose to word the unuttered question. Of course, she knew being separated from her family was going to return to her. Hit her hard. The loss _was_ going to be painful. But right now, she could not stop herself.

 _We_ are _together, Doctor. But to what extent?_

* * *

 _Reviews would make me feel so much better.  
_


	6. Anything to make you change your mind

**Previously...**

 _As usual, it took Rose to word the unuttered question. Of course, she knew being separated from her family was going to return to her. Hit her hard. The loss was going to be painful. But right now, she could not stop herself._

 _We are together, Doctor. But to what extent?_

* * *

 **If I Can't Have You**

 **6\. Anything to make you change your mind**

"Does it need saying?" It escaped the Doctor's lips before he could stop himself.

"Oh... Actually, it does," Rose bit her lip, biting away her annoyance. "Are we at least something more than travelling mates?"

 _Rose._ The Doctor felt as if he has just been slapped. _Rose!_ "How do you think?"

She exhaled. "Is this amusing for you? Funny? Now that the danger of killing yourself has- has passed-" The girl shuddered, unable to stop herself from thinking about what _might_ have happened.

Rassilon. The Doctor did not notice the change in her posture.

"I mean, Rose, do you really, sincerely think it's all just some sort of a _game_ to me?" He has allowed himself to look insulted.

"Talk to me," she breathed out. "For once, tell me what we are to one another! I can adjust, trust me," the fair companion spoke seriously. _No matter how much it might hurt._

She wasn't lying, he knew it. Having adjusted to his inexplicable decisions without one word of disapproval, although the Doctor was able to sense her unease or, in particular cases, her aching heart... Yes, some of the most shameful, the stupidest decisions he has made while travelling with her were never to leave his conscience completely.

"I believe we know that without putting it into words!"

Rose sighed at him heavily. "I don't think so, not now. Let's forget of the changes within me, let's forget the fact you have almost ended yourself... This can be a new page for us, if you want." She was growing desperate, knowing that one way or another living with the Doctor was going to grant her at least as much as her life as his companion has given her.

 _Rose. Listen to me._

She eyed him with mistrust.

 _Rose Tyler!_

He allowed his words pierce her mind. Rose blinked the shock away.

 _I have just remembered! We are in our original universe!_

The girl covered her ears meaningfully.

* * *

 _A/N. This is where I am finishing posting this particular story on this website. Both for personal reasons and because of the unwanted..._ rules _and the inexplicable_ silence _of this place. I'd rather not use the silly no reviews - no updates tactics, and I am sorry if this is not what you might have expected from me. The following part of this chapter_ _(and the ones about to follow)_ _can be found in ao3, under the same username. See you there, I hope!  
_

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